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Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family, by Barbara LeBey
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It's the most daunting task many parents will ever face: bringing two growing families together into one brand new marriage. But even though statistics show that most remarriages are at high risk--especially when there are kids involved--more and more people are learning how to make them work and more and more kids are coming out of them with their psyches and souls intact. This honest and hopeful book looks at those successes--and at some failures--to show what they have in common: ten essential secrets that are at the heart of a healthy blended family.
As a stepparent with six children in a blended family, Barbara LeBey draws on her own family's hard-won success, as well as on extensive interviews and new research to show how to navigate the stresses, sticking points, pitfalls and perils most couples don't even anticipate. Starting with her first controversial secret--that the new marriage comes first, even before the demands of the children--LeBey debunks prevalent stepfamily myths and anticipates common traps. (Among them, money issues, warring stepsiblings, and destructive exes.) A strong advocate for children (including how to guard against fade-out parenting), she also suggests ways that in-laws, schools, and the legal system itself could provide better support for blended families. REmarried with Children is an expert, compassionate, down-to-earth book to turn to over and over again for advice, support and sanity.
Key topics include how to:
-Meet your children's and stepchildren's needs--without letting them undermine your new marriage
-Understand the new roles, new rules, and the new relationships for children and stepchildren of a blended family
-Deal with angry and/or manipulative exes--without adding fuel to the fire
-Handle key decisions about finances, religion, traditions, behavior and discipline
-Maintain healthy relationships with your children's grandparents--and other relatives--from a previous marriage
-Recognize warning signs of trouble ahead--and get the help you need
From the Hardcover edition.
- Sales Rank: #554246 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Bantam
- Published on: 2005-10-25
- Released on: 2005-10-25
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .66" w x 6.00" l, .70 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 318 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
If mothers-in-law have a difficult reputation, then step-children could give the devil a run for his money. At least that’s the gist of this helpful, but ultimately disturbing look at the modern-day Brady Bunch. More than half of American families now fall into the category of blended/extended, but the clans profiled by LeBey (Family Estrangements) suggest that most are nowhere near as happy-go-lucky as the ones portrayed on TV. Indeed, most of the titular 10 secrets that LeBey recommends revolve around handling the emotions and behavioral problems of children. LeBey counters conventional wisdom by recommending that couples put their new marriage first, ahead of their children’s feelings. Only then, she says, will their union survive the maelstrom of cold shoulders, rebellion and even incestuous relations that erupt in children of newly blended families. LeBey is no stranger to these perils herself, having weathered a remarriage and family blending nearly 30 years ago. She speaks of her experiences infrequently, however, preferring to rely on the advice of psychological studies, clergy, marriage counselors, teachers and other specialists. LeBey does occasionally inject a dose of sharp humor among her tips, and her book is peppered with lists (e.g., "How Do You Know If You’re Dealing with a Lunatic Ex- Spouse?" and "Ten Traps for Prospective Stepmothers"). But most of the book’s value lies in its many anecdotes of families who’ve survived their new incarnations; merely reading about the problems overcome by many of them should be reassuring to anyone working on an extended family. And while the couples featured are mostly dealing with the outcome of divorce, the chapter devoted to widows, widowers and grieving children is both compassionate and useful.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
From the Inside Flap
It's the most daunting task many parents will ever face: bringing two growing families together into one brand new marriage. But even though statistics show that most remarriages are at high risk--especially when there are kids involved--more and more people are learning how to make them work and more and more kids are coming out of them with their psyches and souls intact. This honest and hopeful book looks at those successes--and at some failures--to show what they have in common: ten essential secrets that are at the heart of a healthy blended family.
As a stepparent with six children in a blended family, Barbara LeBey draws on her own family's hard-won success, as well as on extensive interviews and new research to show how to navigate the stresses, sticking points, pitfalls and perils most couples don't even anticipate. Starting with her first controversial secret--that the new marriage comes first, even before the demands of the children--LeBey debunks prevalent stepfamily myths and anticipates common traps. (Among them, money issues, warring stepsiblings, and destructive exes.) A strong advocate for children (including how to guard against fade-out parenting), she also suggests ways that in-laws, schools, and the legal system itself could provide better support for blended families. REmarried with Children is an expert, compassionate, down-to-earth book to turn to over and over again for advice, support and sanity.
Key topics include how to:
-Meet your children's and stepchildren's needs--without letting them undermine your new marriage
-Understand the new roles, new rules, and the new relationships for children and stepchildren of a blended family
-Deal withangry and/or manipulative exes--without adding fuel to the fire
-Handle key decisions about finances, religion, traditions, behavior and discipline
-Maintain healthy relationships with your children's grandparents--and other relatives--from a previous marriage
-Recognize warning signs of trouble ahead--and get the help you need
"From the Hardcover edition.
About the Author
Barbara LeBey is a lawyer, former judge, and a wife, mother, and grandmother. Her first book, Family Estrangements, was featured in People magazine, as well as on Good Morning America and The Today Show. She lives with her husband in Atlanta, Georgia.
From the Hardcover edition.
Most helpful customer reviews
21 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
A Must-Read
By Elizabeth Fischer
As I read Remarried with Children--Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family by Barbara LeBey, all I kept thinking was: where was this book when I needed it.
Many years ago I married a man who had a nine-year-old son and an eleven-year-old daughter. Since I had never had children, I entered this marriage ill-equipped--I was virtually clueless--to deal with the children of the man I loved. LeBey's book could have saved me so much grief (the checklist alone on pages 113-115 would have been invaluable), prevented the myriad mistakes I made, and helped me work through the conflicts and problems that are inevitable when two people marry and one or both bring their children into the marriage. You aren't just marrying that man or woman, you are also an "instant family"--one that was there years before you came on the scene. Without the knowledge and tools to deal with this complex situation, the probability is that you will deal instead with ongoing tension and conflict, every conceivable form of resentment, disagreement and confrontation. And, in many instances, the stress of the stepchildren/stepparent relationship can erode the very foundation of the marriage itself. It did in my case.
Every chapter in Remarried with Children would have served to enlighten me, to calm my anxieties, and offer the kind of sage advice that I could have used on a day to day basis. The book is filled with reader-friendly stories that serve to illustrate--dramatize,really--every point LeBey makes. Her style is compassionate, often witty, entertaining, but above all, always delineating the problems with clarity and insight, and giving the reader the awareness, motivation and the means to make their newly blended family a shining success.
As I said, I definitely needed this book, and now after reading it, I know it would have been all that I needed.
38 of 45 people found the following review helpful.
gives way too much benefit of the doubt
By Jenny Fields
I bought this book based on the positive reviews here on Amazon, and was extremely disappointed in it. The author gives way too much benefit of the doubt to the adults who are remarrying, assuming that they are rational, thoughtful people who can look out for other people's interests as well as their own. She also assumes that these people have eased into the relationship somewhat slowly, have had ample exposure to the kids involved, and do not live together before marriage. That's not the reality for a lot of people I know.
There also seems to be a fairly strong anti-child bias (example: "The Taming of a Step-Brat" page 19 - why the hostile wording?), and the theme that as long as the adults are happy the kids will just have to suck it up and adjust permeates the book. On page 164, there is a section on what do IF your kids are going to be involved in your wedding to new spouse. How can you create a "new" family while not including the kids? (and what's with the hint: Let your photographer know in advance that you don't want a wedding album filled with pictures of only "cute kids". Seriously?) The chapter "Sensitive Issues and Bad Influences" is just weird and disturbing - on page 210 there begins a section called "Lolita and Stepdad" where the author talks about "Jill" who decides that she's going to try to seduce her stepdad as a way to show her mom who's in control - and then on the next page says that "most inappropriate sexual incidents take place between a stepfather and stepdaughter". While she does ultimately say that it's always the adult's fault for sexual abuse, it takes several paragraphs to get there, and in the meantime buys into the stereotype of the teenage girl who uses her body as a weapon.
While there are some good ideas in this book - full disclosure about financial obligations, getting along for holidays/birthdays/etc - this is a book that could be picked up by people who are totally self-involved narcissists and could easily find dozens of things that would justify treating their kids and other family members as interlopers into their super-special relationship (which will always trump the needs of everyone else). So you may end up with the love of your life, but your kids might not want anything to do with you.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Author discredits self with nasty behavior
By Christina
Before leaving my review, I read some of the 5-star and 1-star reviews, and was SHOCKED to find the author leaving rude comments to negative reviewers. I wish I had taken the time to notice this before reading the book, because that behavior discredits any advice this author may give.
As an adult beginning my journey into a blended family, I know it would be ignorant to believe everything will be wonderful. Although I intend to do whatever I can to make this experience better for everyone involved, not forsaking my own self either, I do expect for myself to be an adult in this family--I will leave the immature outbursts and roles to the understandably less mature children and teenagers. Therefore I wont be taking advice from an author that acts like a child.
On this discovery, I decided to give 1-star instead of the 3 I was going to give this book. I have also pulled the book from my shelf and tossed it. I wouldn't feel good about passing this author's book along.
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